Merry Christmas Millennials!
Because I’m such a nice privileged white male, I’ve decided to give you some free advice. You may detect a common theme.
If you want to regularly buy smashed avocado on toast for $15 (or more!) – and can’t see how it’s a small symptom of a far bigger problem… I don’t care.
If you think life is all about ‘experiences’ and not about substance… I don’t care.
If you didn’t land your ‘dream job’ after completing your arts degree in 15th century French lesbian poetry studies… I don’t care (H/T Aaron Clarey and Adam Piggott).
If you don’t like your immediate supervisor and think he or she is ‘mean’… I don’t care.
If you spend hours each day on on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or any other social media platforms, and don’t use that time to make any money whatsoever… I don’t care. If you do this at work and think it’s an ethical and productive way to behave… I don’t care.
If you want to go out every Friday night and wake up at 2.00pm on Saturdays, only to do the same thing the next night… I don’t care. Please, keep wasting your time.
If you think a productive life involves going to a full time job and spending the rest of your time doing about half the chores you should be doing and hanging out with friends – and nothing else (because ‘you’ve earned it’) – you’re an average, half-filled vessel… and I don’t care.
If you’re constantly telling your friends how bad you are at ‘adulting’ – and think it’s cool… I don’t care.
If you don’t use and value your time as much as other people use and value their own time… I don’t care. Please, keep wasting your time. It sustains me.
If you can’t achieve social justice… I don’t care. By all means, keep trying.
If you think there’s a housing ‘crisis’ because you can’t discipline yourself enough to save a deposit for a house in a realistic area relative to your income… I don’t care. Go ahead and keep renting that inner city apartment that costs 50% of your disposable income – and keep buying coffees and ‘deconstructed’ smashed avo sandwiches from that hipster cafe down the road.
Speaking of which, if you buy one or more coffees a day for $4 or $5 a cup (or more) and wonder why you don’t have any money… I don’t care.
If you’re earning an average graduate salary and take a holiday to Bali every year, just to hang out and buy drinks with the same Australians in the same types of pubs and clubs that you do at home – and wonder why you can’t afford a house… I don’t care.
If you think baby boomers are privileged and living on easy street… I don’t care. I suspect that they don’t either.
If you think your boss is privileged and living on easy street and never bother to ask them how they got to where they were, how hard it was (and still is) and learn from them… I don’t care.
If you don’t regularly listen to people significantly older than you and learn from them… I don’t care.
If you want to bitch, moan and complain about how hard everything is… go for it. I don’t care. The louder you do it, the happier I get.
If you think things like ‘universal basic income’ are an answer to your problems (or any problems for that matter), you’re a moron… and I don’t care.
If you think sites like news.com.au are actual and trustworthy news sources, you’ve got a lot to learn… and I don’t care.
Nobody else cares by the way and you won’t care either when you get older and hear those younger than you complaining about the same baseless junk (just with a different label and smell).
It’s called earning your way in life. There are limited resources on this planet and everybody has a limited amount of time to take advantage of them.
I love it.
Got another one to add to the list? Fire it off in the comments below and I’ll post the best ones to share with everybody else.
Thank you all for reading.
Without you, writing would not be worthwhile.